Petrichor

It’s been almost two years since my last post. Two years that, for every single human on this planet, has been mostly pain and difficulties. And ours was no different, but like ocean tides, there was beauty as well. There was Laughter and Joy standing tall next to Pain and Hurt.

My mind was so muddled with the reaction by the world to this virus, but so much was clarified for me as well. Priorities, loves, passions, activism, boundaries, all became a pounding in my heart again, a drive to push me again, a spark to experience joy again.

After leaving the ICU, I’m still working as a nurse, but in an office as a Clinical Nurse Coordinator for a major cancer center. I speak with patients through a phone instead of through the sedation and a breathing tube. I’ve come to terms with a phrase I only recently heard, Compassion Fatigue. Reading my last post, the fatigue comes through, the burn out comes through, but in May 2020, I would have described most of the pain as anger. If anything, I felt I had too much compassion! So much so, it made me angry.

I’m still really angry. At so many things. And so many people. You know that scene from Jaws, where the grieving mother slaps Chief Brody and says, “You knew. You knew and you still let people swim. And now my little boy is dead.” That’s how I feel about every single person who’s passed away and every politician, healthcare provider, or member of the general public who refused to follow science. You knew getting together for that 300 person wedding was dangerous. And now 60 people are dead. You knew vaccines decreased the risk of death, and you still fought against them. And now more people are dead. We are all that grieving mother. We are all Chief Brody. We are all that idiotic mayor. We are all playing parts in these deaths.

And that’s how I feel about the pandemic–Jaws.

But Compassion Fatigue is the truth behind the anger. I’m tired, I’m literally fatigued of caring without any reaction, any support, without any change. To be honest, I should have left healthcare in 2020, but financially, it would have been simply silly to leave a field I was guaranteed work in the middle of an economic crash. (Well, an economic crash for normal people. Some technocrats have enough to spare to go into space for no reason, but my antiAmazon rant will have to hold for another day.) But the old saying is true. Life is short. It is unpredictable. So I’m throwing it all away and leaving nursing. I’m no longer helping people as a nurse. I can’t anymore. But I also can’t live a life without helping people, without bettering this place. That’s the prime directive of one’s humanity: helping, improving, supporting, loving. If we’re not doing that, we’re not really human.

So I’ve been digging deep the last two years, and this is what I’ve come up with:

What I Value:

1. Kindness
2. Courage to dissent in that kindness
3. Intelligence and reason
4. Empathy-based action
5. Nature’s ability to heal and provide for humanity
6. Humanity’s ability to heal and provide for nature
7. Sharing good food and drink over connective conversations
8. Listening and hearing someone regardless of our differences

What I believe:

1. There is good in everyone and each of us is doing our best
2. We are stewards of this world and of each other
3. Caring for this world is caring for each other and vise versa
4. Everyone deserves to live in a healthy environment
5. Meaningful connection with others is an act of love

How I want to change the world:

1. Provide environments free of physical, mental, and emotional aggravations for all people
2. Rebuild the forests to help cool the earth, enlarge habitats, and provide areas for all to engage with nature
3. Enrich others’ lives by providing access to nature, engagement with nature, and respect for the symbiotic relationship we are in with nature and our surrounding environments and communities
4. Connect humans to a) other humans, b) their communities, and c) the local environment and natural community.

What I Want People to Know:

1. We are should be in a symbiotic relationship with the planet. Renewing and restoring the earth, forests, waterways, prairies, and other natural spaces, will support and provide for humanity.
2. Refocusing ourselves on community, on individuals within the community, and on providing safe and healing environments for our local communities, will bring balance and renewal to our world.

I want to be outside for most of my day. I want to connect with others, while we play in the dirt. I want to teach people about tree’s connections to other trees, so we can better understand our own connections. I want to think analytically about how to lower the temperature of the planet. I want to fix problems and help other humans. So I applied for grad school for a Masters in Environmental Science. Now let’s hope they let me in.