Pour la Beauté

A ways back, I wrote a piece called Notre Dame Burns and I Can Not Cry. It was mostly about my minimalistic approach to life recently and in that throwing out of unnecessary junk, I accidentally threw out my appreciation and love of beauty for the sake of beauty. I used ND as an example because I wasn’t able to fathom why anyone cared this much about a building, old and pretty albeit.

Since that post, I had the opportunity to travel to France. Notre Dame is closed for the burn renovations, but walking around the outside of it was more powerful than I expected. Because of the nationwide strike at the time, I walked a good chunk of Paris. I wasn’t able to use the metro system as thoroughly, so I hit the streets became better acquainted with Paris on a more personal level. Notre Dame is the center of Paris, the historical and literal center, the beginning of Paris, on a literal island, that many view as almost sacred. It is Ground Zero for both the city and for Parisians. That helped my understanding to the response to this fire. Notre Dame burns, and it is seen as all of Paris burning with it. The Louvre, the Musee d’Orsay, the Eiffel Tower, Moulin Rouge, all safe. But it didn’t matter, because Notre Dame is Paris.

So there’s my recant of my dislike of the planet-wide response to ND burning. (I do still stand by the opinion that the Amazon burning should have brought together more donors to stop it. That should be more important to the world, but alas, even if more money was donated to stop the Amazon, the Brazilian president probably wouldn’t stop his savagery. )

My nephew was in Macedonia for three months, and flew home to right before Christmas, via Paris. Confession: I have never had a desire to go to France. Maybe the south of France in Provence, but no big desire to navigate Paris since it seemed simply like a prettier version of New York. I’m not a fan of big cities. Give me the cathedrals of mountains and deserted hiking trails over crowded city streets leading to beautiful man-made structures any day. But I also rarely turn down a chance for adventure, so I found myself studying French on Duolingo and flying out in early December.

I get it now. Paris is a big city. It does smell like New York, share its tiny streets, and my anxiety did peak a couple times. But I get it, Paris. You’re great. The buildings as old as my country. The bakeries every block with cheap croissants melting in my mouth. Macaroons. Wine. Musée d’Orsay was my favorite, and it might be my favorite art museum of all time. The chance to stand closely to Van Gogh works and see his brush strokes, was a beautiful moment of my life, one I will cherish for a long time. His ability to take his own pain and manifest it through color and light, has made my own life better. Thank you, Vincent.

The Venus de Milo, The Winged Victory, Liberty Leading the People by Delacroix, Saint Chapelle, Monet’s Water Lillies–this city is full of beauty for the sake of beauty. I would go as far to posit that this is what Paris is–the expression of beauty in our world, a purveyor of beauty, a collector of all things beauty for beauty’s sake.

Thanks, Paris. Thanks for bringing me back to beauty, for showing me the greatness that comes of both simple and complex beauty. For pulling me out of this funk of active disappreciation of beauty and life’s expression. You helped me see humanity’s view of creation in new ways, and now I can begin all again, my own search for and creation of beauty, simply for the sake of beauty.

Honorable mentions to Bordeaux and Marseille, two spectacular cities. Cit de Vin in B and M’s own Notre Dame are well worth the train tickets.

Notre Dame Burns and I Can’t Cry

I find myself more and more utilitarian in my life. It started with food. I eat the protein and the carbs so I can keep functioning at work. Then it seeped into my home. I don’t cook for the joy of it any more. I cook to feed my body.

I’ve become more minimalist in my home life. Half of my apartment has been donated or sold in the last 6 months. My excuse for this is blame on my ex. When Jake and I lived together, he was anything but a minimalist. Quality, the best of the best, the latest thing, had to fill up our apartment. So we did. We filled this two bedroom to the brim with junk we didn’t need. I don’t know about him, but I didn’t want it either. It was just another red flag, trying to fill the void of a lousy, empty relationship. I use this excuse, and the idea that as a single woman with a cat, I have no need for a two bedroom apartment. I am donating or selling the majority of my books. My books! This girl who used to live by the motto: “A room without books is like a body without a soul.” I sold my record collection when my record player broke beyond repair. Saying to myself, “You can save money if you move into a studio apartment.” Some call it “downgrading,” but I’m starting to see it seep into my joy, or allow my joy to seep out. I’m not sure which.

My Instagram is almost nonexistent and I made that choice deliberately. The anxiety of posting regularly enough, of gaining followers, of constantly showing the great part of life, of seeming happy all the time, the fakeness of it all, was exhausting and painful. But one thing I’ve noticed since then is that my view of beauty has become altered. It too has become utilitarian. I don’t see the point in it anymore. I don’t see the point in having a pretty dress and doing my hair and makeup. I don’t see the point of going to the art museum. I don’t see the point in finding the beauty in this world and documenting it in my photography.

As I sit in my bedroom, the wall opposite to me is covered in my hiking photographs as well as a map of the entire Pacific Crest Trail with planning notes on it, as well as marker covering the portion of the trail I’ve hiked to date. The pictures are beautiful. Close ups of my favorite plant, the Saguaro cactus. Orange rock arches from Utah. Muddy boots from the Rio Grande. Rushing waterfalls. Mountain ranges stretching past comprehension. I used to seek out this beauty. I used to ache for it.

My utilitarianistic ways are causing problems: I’ve lost my appreciation for the world around me. Lost the joy. I realized this last night when I found myself reacting to others’ reactions on Notre Dame burning. Notre Dame—burning. 800 years of history and beauty and worship. And I didn’t care. My first thought was, “but did anyone die?” Which is important. But I couldn’t understand the world’s feelings of loss. I couldn’t see the beauty that was lost. I couldn’t understand the beauty, so I ignored it. I’ve ignored beauty for the sake of beauty for so long, beauty didn’t register with me. The loss of beauty didn’t affect me.   

As I write this, I know I need to jolt myself out of this rut. Of all the stories throughout time, when did you meet a good guy who didn’t appreciate beauty? It’s always the bad guy. There’s a reason for that. Beauty should be appreciated for its own sake. Food should be good, not only good for you. Art should exist for art’s sake. Joy should exist, be cultivated, expressed, and experienced.  I want to blame this on living in the city. I don’t have my mountains, my waterfalls, my saguaros, but that’s not the point of life. It’s to find joy in all of God’s creation. It’s to appreciate all of this world, cultivate it, and hand it back to God in appreciation.

Today, I will find joy. I will appreciate it, respect it, love it, and I will hand it back to God with thanks.